I have a lot of backlogs at work and graduate school but let me get this off my chest.
It’s been a month since I went back to being home-based. I’ve always thought I have everything under control. It did seem like that for a while; everything felt so light each time I’d tick an item off the list. Only to realize I’ve yet to revisit the thoughts I thought I buried.
How hypocritical I’ve become.
Around mid-April 2025, I wrote a short essay about how I’ve avoided having my own ghost, probably rooted from my past relationship where I’ve always known I did everything I could, and it reached the point of being unsalvageable that I had to let go to save myself. I spent weeks decluttering what was left in my mind and personal space, and I can say that I’ve come to terms of the mistake of holding on too long to the extent of ruining myself.
Or so I thought.
I’m free again. For sure. But I’m lost, too. One undeniable impact that relationship gave me was being held back from all the chances I got to make my life better. I wasted nine long years of letting opportunities pass me by just to keep everything together. I lost so much, including myself, and I believe that as of late, this isn’t something I am ready to forgive myself for.
Among the chances I lost are huge opportunities for career growth, both in the Philippines and abroad. Simply because “motherhood” was weaponized against me so that I can stay pinned down. I had to put others first before myself and it drained me.
I never got the chance to do exploration beyond Iligan City on my own as a result. My circles were also limited because I had to stay at home, if not going to work. I had to juggle too many things because I had no one to rely on and share my struggles with.
The consequences of tolerating these things for nine years are now haunting me. I am stuck; I can’t exactly figure out how to start moving forward. Sure, I already listed the things I need to achieve within the year, yet my heart yearns for new things.
For instance, I’m pretty sure I can ace my ESL career, but I’ve been wanting to try other remote jobs, too. I’ve been trying to become a virtual assistant for five years now, but I haven’t landed an actual job yet. I’ve gotten some side gigs related to search engine optimization but only as a shadow writer.
There are also things I’ve been wanting to get for myself and for Caleb, but I am currently strapped on cash because of the financial damages my previous relationship got me. I’ve been hating myself for not realizing the long-term impacts of tolerating things and for not breaking up earlier.
When pranic healing was done on me last week, I was told how crowded my mind was, but I just dismissed it because I was certain I got everything under control. I unconsciously bottled up too many of them and now that I got rid of a major blockage from my mind, overwhelming thoughts just won’t stop running and I am now frantic in settling them, all at once if possible.
Such thoughts became the pandemonium I’ve been trying to bury and forget for the longest time. But they matter to me and the life I’m trying to build. Running away from them will never be solution, I know. And now, I’m doing my best to take a breather so that I can muster courage to face them and get through with them. What choice do I have, anyway? I need to make resolves.
“Why write this?” you might ask. This is one reality of living we all experience at some point. Being the expressionist that I am, I just want you to know that you shouldn’t be like me. Learn to discern and be courageous. Time isn’t something we can regain, and life is too short.
I’m writing this with tears in my eyes while chugging my fourth cup of black coffee. Hopefully, once I re-read this entry in the future, I can proudly say that I’m glad I kept going.
God, help me.
